On falling
Life is a strange thing.
I had been doing so well. I hadn't felt that good in years. It lasted a whole semester. I forgot what it felt like to fall. And now I feel like I'm close to slipping down again. It's scary. I don't want to go there again. Ever. I don't understand why. Why would God let me slip so that I become completely uneffective and un-useful and just a mess? I'm so much more effective, loving, caring, productive, kind and Christ-like when I am well. I don't understand.
I don't want to fall. I have been busy building dreams lately that hinge on the presupposition that I will stay well. I don't know if I can be who I need to be if I crash. I can't even trust myself to write a decent post here when I fall. You don't know how much it hurts me to know that you can't believe everything I say. You shouldn't believe what I write here. I am not always reliable. Sometimes I don't know what I say. I lose touch. It's not even my fault. I can't help it. I don't know what has happened until it is too late.
I don't understand and I don't want to be like this. I don't want to be this way for the rest of my life. I want to be whole.
I thought I had learnt all the lessons You could possibly teach me God. What else is there? I am at a loss. I am lost. Please do not leave me here alone. Please save me from myself. Make me whole, and for good. Make me feel alive.
Micha
I had been doing so well. I hadn't felt that good in years. It lasted a whole semester. I forgot what it felt like to fall. And now I feel like I'm close to slipping down again. It's scary. I don't want to go there again. Ever. I don't understand why. Why would God let me slip so that I become completely uneffective and un-useful and just a mess? I'm so much more effective, loving, caring, productive, kind and Christ-like when I am well. I don't understand.
I don't want to fall. I have been busy building dreams lately that hinge on the presupposition that I will stay well. I don't know if I can be who I need to be if I crash. I can't even trust myself to write a decent post here when I fall. You don't know how much it hurts me to know that you can't believe everything I say. You shouldn't believe what I write here. I am not always reliable. Sometimes I don't know what I say. I lose touch. It's not even my fault. I can't help it. I don't know what has happened until it is too late.
I don't understand and I don't want to be like this. I don't want to be this way for the rest of my life. I want to be whole.
I thought I had learnt all the lessons You could possibly teach me God. What else is there? I am at a loss. I am lost. Please do not leave me here alone. Please save me from myself. Make me whole, and for good. Make me feel alive.
Micha
Labels: recession
4:18 p.m.
Thanks for your encouragment and compliments, it's nice, (and also bizarre) to know that someone reads what I post... I had often wondered who this "Michigan" character was... now I have a person to put to the site :)
In return, I know I can not say much, but lately God has been teaching me about seasons in our lives... I certainly am not yet positive about what mine mean, or why we must go through them.
As I look around at the Winter on this earth, immediately I think of death, and things falling apart. In contrary, a good friend reminded me the other day that Winter is not necessarily the doom of creation, but rather, it is a resting phase. So maybe it is also true of us as humans, and Christians, that we can not continuously live in full bloom.
Just some thoughts, hopefully they have meaning to you as well. top
12:54 a.m.
I'd like to say something more, but I gather that you're in a place where words would do little to comfort or help matters, much like a magazine keeps one dry in a rainstorm. Know, however, that you are not alone & that there are those who care--this road we travel is rough going at times, yet it is a road that we travel together. And in the end, we will often look back and concede that the journey was ever-so worth the destination.
ℓ℮. top