Come be my light
I can't seem to figure myself out. At all. Ever. I make no sense. I think when it comes down to it, though, my problem might just be that I'm lonely. You'd think that would be an easy problem to fix. But it keeps coming back. And it's tempting to think that it's all my fault. After all, the common denominator is me. I am the one who can't seem to get close to people and stay close. I'm the one who can't seem to be satisfied with the friendships I have. I am the one who can't seem to find anyone who understands me. I am the one who can't seem to trust God enough to be enough for me. So maybe I should just accept the fact that this is my problem not yours.
But that doesn't solve anything. Becuase when I come to this point I find that there is nothing that I can do better and there is nothing that I can fix and there is nothing that is really broken apart from the ordinary human brokenness in relationships. So, if the problem is me but there is nothing that I can do, then, what is there to do but suffer through it? And that leaves me without hope. And that is another problem.
I have asked God to be enough for me. Then why isn't this working? Why has He refused to give this to me? Am I not earnest enough in my longing? But I am earnest, I am near tears. Is there something in my life that is in the way of His blessing? But I have asked Him to reveal it.
So what am I to conclude? That God is unseeing and unresponsive? I refuse to believe that. And I am left to wait, alone and distraught, because I live a life that I cannot understand or account for.
Does God really ask some of His children to wait and serve in darkness, apart from Him? I had previously refused this idea, but it has presented itself to me again today. Is God asking me to live apart from the glory of His Presence? He seems to have asked that of Mother Teresa. Would He also ask it of me? I pray that He will not.
But that doesn't solve anything. Becuase when I come to this point I find that there is nothing that I can do better and there is nothing that I can fix and there is nothing that is really broken apart from the ordinary human brokenness in relationships. So, if the problem is me but there is nothing that I can do, then, what is there to do but suffer through it? And that leaves me without hope. And that is another problem.
I have asked God to be enough for me. Then why isn't this working? Why has He refused to give this to me? Am I not earnest enough in my longing? But I am earnest, I am near tears. Is there something in my life that is in the way of His blessing? But I have asked Him to reveal it.
So what am I to conclude? That God is unseeing and unresponsive? I refuse to believe that. And I am left to wait, alone and distraught, because I live a life that I cannot understand or account for.
Does God really ask some of His children to wait and serve in darkness, apart from Him? I had previously refused this idea, but it has presented itself to me again today. Is God asking me to live apart from the glory of His Presence? He seems to have asked that of Mother Teresa. Would He also ask it of me? I pray that He will not.